


(please have) mercy

by Iolaire02



Series: rags to riches [1]
Category: Chronicles of Narnia - All Media Types, Chronicles of Narnia - C. S. Lewis
Genre: Character Study, Gen, Introspection, POV Second Person, kind of
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-04
Updated: 2021-03-04
Packaged: 2021-03-17 01:35:22
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 845
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29834031
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Iolaire02/pseuds/Iolaire02
Summary: Isn’t it interesting that you are the one calledjust?
Series: rags to riches [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2203581
Kudos: 8





	(please have) mercy

**Author's Note:**

> It's been a _long_ time since I've read the books or watched the movies, so I apologize for any inaccuracies.
> 
> Title is from Mercy by Shawn Mendes.

Isn’t it curious?

Isn’t it terrible that – in a family where magnificence and courage are draped in gold, where gentleness is somehow synonymous with beauty – all it takes to lure you in is a woman who is as beautiful and cruel as winter _looking_ at you?

It’s interesting – or maybe heartbreaking is a better word – that you are so enamored by this woman – this beautiful Medusa – when the only things she gives you are sweets, a hot drink, attention _._

But maybe that’s the whole entire point.

You are young and naïve and a child. You are the third of four, and some would say that what that means is this: you were such a wonderful child that your parents decided they would try for another; or, your parents loved you so dearly that they wanted you to have a playmate of your own.

But you know what it really means. You know that being the third of four means that you weren’t _enough_ to satiate your parents’ desire for children. You know that being the third means that your older siblings will grow out of your company.

Being third out of four means that you are _second_ youngest. Not youngest, which would mean that your parents doted on you; not second oldest, which means that even with one sibling ahead of you you’d still be able to give off your own impressions; not oldest, which means more expectations, yes, but also means that no one compares you to anyone.

But you are second youngest – not truly in the middle, because you’re at the tail end, because you’re an afterthought – and that means that all of the expectation and none of the leniency is available to you. It means all of the disappointment and none of the pride, all the frowns and none of the smiles. It means eyes sliding over you because you fade into the background.

Somehow, you are not as real as your siblings – you are darker haired and darker eyed than any of them; you melt into the shadows without meaning to; and when you try to stand out, it is always for the wrong things.

So of _course_ all it takes to snare you is a smile, an interested mask, gifts tailored to you. Of course all it takes is someone’s undivided attention. Of course she gets you – all she has to do is look.

* * *

Isn’t it interesting that you – you who betrayed your family, who betrayed Aslan, who betrayed _Narnia_ before you ever betrayed the White Witch – are the one called _just?_

Your golden brother is magnificent; your darkly beautiful sister is gentle; your younger sister, who is as shining as the sun, is valiant. And you?

You are just.

You know better than anyone what you have done, just as you know better than anyone that your title is nothing more than a reminder of your sins.

Here you stand, a crown on your head, the word _just_ attached to your name, and your past clinging to your shoulders more effectively than any cloak. Here you stand, a traitor to your family, to Narnia, to Aslan; here you stand, king of a country that has every right to kill you, and it is they who wait for you to judge them.

You know better than anyone that it should be the other way around. You should not be standing within the halls of Cair Paravel with a crown on your head; you should be kneeling before Aslan, before the king and queens of this country, awaiting judgement.

 _The just._ It makes you scoff, sometimes. How is it that it is your place to determine what others deserve when, more often than not, it is _your_ old sins which darken the horizon?

But maybe that’s the point: maybe you know better than any the motivations behind a person’s sins. Maybe you know best what these people – and you can see yourself in each and every one of them; they are you, and you are them, and you and they are cut from the same cloth – deserve.

Maybe you are the just because you have sinned and experienced _mercy._

Even so, it destroys you to sentence these other versions of yourself to death when you know you deserve the same. It makes you wonder, sometimes, if your title is a punishment – if your salvation means that you have a duty to sentence that part of yourself that you can see in others to death.

Your siblings and your people may have forgotten your betrayal, they may have forgiven it, but you cannot. You live out the rest of your lives trying to make up for your wrongs. You spend the rest of your lives remembering what you did every time you look into the eyes of the people who you are expected to judge.

It is a punishment in its own right, this constant reminder, and you are never quite certain whether it is better than death.

But when you doubt, you remind yourself: you are just, but Aslan is merciful.


End file.
